I can’t find myself listening to other songs. I have been playing the entire soundtrack of Bohemian Rhapsody that you sent me.
I remember that night correctly, vividly. You were playing Love of my life by Queen, you were humming along too while Chuba and I discussed the exam we will write the following day.
There in your apartment, Bio 191 manual open and rested on my laps.
I remember asking if you loved Freddie and you said yes, it gladdened my heart.
You said you loved the movie too. You sent me all the track from the movie.
It didn’t take long for me to discover you were purple too, which is more or less a colorful way of you saying you were a feminist. It gladdened my heart because I am one too.
It elated me that we had so much in common already. I sensed we will discover how alike we were in the future.
The sad truth of that brief imagination is that I would never get to find out.
I’d never get to find out if you loved classical Music if perhaps you loved Nina Simone too.
My friend Jennifer said it was difficult to find people our age who had a thing for Nina Simone. I believe her. I also believe, you must have loved Nina Simone too.
It ended before it even started, this friendship.
I was on Whatsapp when the news of your death broke. At first, I saw Miss Naccos write RIP Joshua I wanted to reply to that orange colored status and simply say I’m very sorry about your friend
I can’t quite remember why I didn’t.
The interesting thing was, it never occurred to me that she was referring to your own Joshua, it never clicked in my head that you were gone. It was impossible, you had called me just a few days back to notify me of a very important update in school.
The last memory I have of you is a caring one, one where you were telling me of something that will save me a lot of stress and suffering in the future.
I remember feeling happy about your call, it showed me how much you cared. I was glad.
I’ll hold on to that memory.
That Friday the 5th of July, I remember how something broke in me when I eventually saw your picture in Peniel’s status with the caption RIP Xaviarson
I remember feeling numb.
I hurried to the group chat, the group chat I muted for one year and never really opened or commented in. I skimmed through the messages and I kept on seeing your pictures with RIP captions.
All hell broke loose. I said someone should stop this joke, I shouted with my text, I said someone, anyone should tell me what was going on. I was redirected to a message Ella posted. She said you were involved in an accident, said we lost you that morning.
I couldn’t care less about the way you died. What difference does it make? at the end of the day, you were no more and that’s what breaks my heart. That’s what breaks all of our heart. You were such a nice person. You were so young and full of life, you had a future right in front of you.
I started asking myself what was the point of everything. What does it really matter if one could sleep and wake up no more? If one could live today and die tomorrow, why go through the hell of this world. What’s the point of it all?
You will be laid to rest today. I will not be present, not because I’m one state away and probably very occupied. But because I fear I can’t handle it. Seeing you stiff and lifeless. I doubt I’d be able to handle it.
We all grieve differently and grief has certain diverse effects on all of us.
I won’t also be there because everyone that loved you will be there, all your friends, your family. It’ll make me insignificant. It’ll make our friendship insignificant. So amid the truckload of work I’ll be doing at home, I’ll also grief you. I have and will cry for you. I will pray for you too. I’ll pray you to find peace, and happiness wherever you are. You deserve it. I’d also like to think you are in a happy place. The knowledge of what lies beyond has always eluded me. Very little is what I know of the world beyond ours. I do however know that in that world, they are lucky to have you.
I don’t know what is expected of us now, are we expected to move on?
We must ask ourselves how much sorrow can we take?. This is overwhelmingly sad. It hurts deep. It reopens old wounds. It makes us question everything. Makes us appreciate our lives which as selfish as it sounds, is nothing but the truth.
Continue to Rest in peace Joshua.
All of us in CSC love you and we miss you so much.