This Is Where I Go

I take a lot of pictures, a thousand and one if you want to give it a number.
I take these pictures with a lot of people, in most of those photographs, you will find me smiling. You will find me happy. The truth is, I am surrounded by people. Thousands if you want to give it a number too but I feel alone. I feel like nobody knows me. Like nobody understands me.
I am depressed.
I am dealing with depression.
And yes, I am not suicidal.
And no I don’t need anybody’s sympathy or ‘you will be fine’. I have been dealing with this depression for quite some time now.
This thing is real for me. That is why I am here. On my plastic table with a blank page staring at me.

Let me tell you what this is for me; therapy. I don’t know what to tell you to expect. I don’t know what to expect. All I know is; I am writing to placate the pain. All I know is, words are floating around in my head and I am doing my best to put them down.
Honesty. That’s what I am doing. I am being honest with myself. It is only in writing that honesty is rewarding. It rewards you with freedom.

we write to explain our feelings; Our thoughts, Our emotions, Our fears.
I saw an unpopular quote the other day; that thing which you are most scared to write about, write that.

That is why I am here, writing. This is where I go when the going gets tough. Writing is my only way of living, breathing.
When I am happy I think of the open fields of Enugu-Abakiliki expressway, the beautiful green landscapes. The most beautiful sunsets I have experienced. And this is where I go.
When I am feeling like this too; dark, alone. this is where I go too. Writing is where I go to be free. To face my fears, to in my world, slay the dragons.

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I was speaking with my friend a while ago and I was telling him that I have been having this feeling of deleting my blog, deactivating all my social media accounts and changing my numbers. He was confused at first. He asked me the same question that I have been asking myself

WHY?’

I tried to answer him, to explain what I have been feeling, but I couldn’t. The truth is, there is really no way to explain these feelings.
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie once said in an interview that she too is dealing with depression. That depression is ‘The Curse of the creatives’.
I couldn’t agree more. Depression is the disaster that creativity leaves in its wake. It’s the shadow of art. The one that trails behind all the works of creativity.
The first time I wrote about my depression, it was exhilarating. At first, I was scared. Scared that I was putting myself out there. Defenseless. I felt vulnerable. But by the time I was done, I felt free. I felt victorious. That was when I realized that there was a way for me to manage my curse. To battle it and overcome it.

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I was online a few days ago and I saw a video by one of the Ex-Big Brother Housemates, Omoshola. He was complaining about the suicidal messages he has been getting on his DM. how people have been coming to him and telling him they are tired. Tired of everything and they want to let go.
I used to be a sucker for suicidal people because suicide is like the end product of depression.
Its like depression is cancer and suicide is the last stage. Something made me stop, Rather people made me stop. A lot of people are taking advantage of depression, they claim they are depressed just to get attention or whatever.

Why am I saying this?
I feel like 50 percent of the people in Omoshola’s DM is clout chasers. It is true. They are everywhere. They claim to be sick when they aren’t and tired when they are actually strong. They think it is funny. They think this is a joke. This feeling of drowning, this feeling of hopelessness and darkness. It is not funny.

While many have come to the terms that they are depressed, many have not. Many people are familiar with these feelings but have decided to ignore them, they believe that giving this feeling a name is like breathing life into it. Life without death. They believe admitting to this feeling is admitting to cancer, one which could not be fought. so they just pretend they are fine. The truth is, whether you choose to admit to this feeling or not, it is always there. And it is not going away. There are ways to fight it, but they all involve confronting it just like I am doing now. The way to truly overcome our fears is to face them.

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Maybe that’s why I love NF and Hopsin so much. They deal with their depression through their music. NF believes that music is the only place he can go to express himself and this is true. It is true and the same for every creative person, this feeling of darkness can only be expressed through art.
That you are depressed doesn’t mean you don’t get to smile or laugh, it doesn’t mean that you don’t get to have any friends. That you are surrounded by friends doesn’t mean you can’t get depressed either, you can be surrounded by the world, practically, And still feel lonely.

Go to where you can battle yours; in the arms of a friend. in your art. anywhere.

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