Oh well, I’m ignorant

But not to the fact that I’m ignorant of course, I know that

Lil’ Dicky’s intro for his song Oh Well is one intro that captures a general frame of mind in several scenarios. In the song he talks about different things that he feels he should know, and be accustomed to… But oh well, he doesn’t. He can eventually figure it out, but oh well.

I toyed with several ways to begin this, but I imagine I probably don’t have the right way to get it done.

Oh well, I’m going to write still.

But really though… Where do I start?

It feels like there are a gazillion things going through my mind, but at the same time my mind is so blank it’s like white milk being poured on white sheets. So maybe I’m scatterbrained at the moment finally. I probably don’t have thoughts; they could be more like noise. Sounds viable.

Lots of noise in my noggin, and I’m trying to find some resonance to tune to.

How do you start talking about a year that didn’t flip the script, but apparently changed the entire show? At what point do you look back and be all “Yes! This is where things changed so much! Sneaky bugger!”? Because I’m not so sure. I’m not so sure where to put my finger down and say it all began here. But I do know one thing.

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2018 probably broke me.


Let’s backtrack. Some people I know would say that’s too severe, and I’d be inclined to agree. So maybe it didn’t break me.

2018 shook me. Yeah, that’s it. It shook my cores completely.

Can I count the blessings I had this year? I don’t think so. They range from the little graces to really big stuff. A trip back memory lane might just point me at several things that were worth so many smiles and gratitude.

So… What about the losses?

I think I lost count of that. That’s where the script flipped hard. Lost friends, lost opportunity, lost love, I can find them all in this one year. I’d figure it’d be too much stuff to handle, but apparently I seem to be handling it I think.

Why did things turn out the way they did? Someone can tell me it’s a divine roadmap, and so therefore this is the trial of fire to come out on the other end more appreciative and humbled. I don’t necessarily mind that interpretation of the year, considering that it does have some merit.

However, the ‘other’ part of me believes it’s more of random chance; dice got rolled and the pieces were moved according to the number attained. You know, sometime Fate might just be a pretty cruel joke built with an aura of false security; you think everything happens for a reason (whether you can see it or not), meanwhile whatever happened did so because it bloody well could.

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I think that’s what Absurdism is all about; the belief that all the cosmos is about chaos and irrationality, and efforts in trying to put order and rationalize things will ultimately fail.

Might be a little fatalistic finally, but again, has its own merits.

Settle down, though. I haven’t cracked. This isn’t a letter from the depths of depression. These are the thoughts that come out when I consider the year in full.

This year may just be the one that saw me at my lowest point, a point I didn’t even know was possible until I was dropped into it. There was even a sort of (ironically) excited feeling at the new lows that were capable. Who knew panic attacks could be half fun?

As I sit here, one question comes to mind.

Did I meet a lot of happy people this year? Were the people I already knew happy? If they weren’t, did they finally find it? Or did they keep searching, believing in their heart of hearts that happiness would be attained finally? I don’t know. I’m not so sure how I’d even be asking them. I’m a little afraid of what I might learn and the toll it could take on me.

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Oh right, that’s another thing with this year. I got so so so tired. Man. I needed more breathers than ever, and I can’t quite tell if I’ve recovered well enough. I wonder if I would recover properly in the end. The way some things ended… The way some things went… There just might be parts of me that may never come back.

If that be the case, then I’ll have to figure out how to live with the new me, if that new me can manage to not feel old all the time.

Right… Nice smiles and hand waves. We can’t always be down in the dumps. Might do good to try and see some light in-between now and then. It won’t always be rosy, but the goal is to make it worth it.

The journey is the destination, as Deepak Chopra says.

My muse is just about done at this point. The lines of T. S. Eliot’s The Hollow Men take my place on stage as I slowly fade to black.

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

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